Guiding: The Conversational Key to Unlocking Change
written by Jack Vaughan
At any given moment on this planet there are roughly as many ways to have a conversation as there are people (and that’s not including pets, plants, and other things we fancy talking to). But when it comes to change-based conversations (i.e., conversations where one person is trying to help another person make a positive change), there are three distinct styles to consider – directing, following, and guiding.[1]
In order to best illustrate the differences between these styles, and to help us identify the most effective among them, let’s momentarily imagine a series of brief, hypothetical conversations between a wife, June Carter Cash, and her husband, Johnny Cash. Here’s the backstory: June happens to be concerned about Johnny’s health, and Johnny happens to be a chronic smoker (among other things).
First convo:
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June says, “Darlin, I love you, but smoking is plain terrible for your health. You need to quit.” On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this kind of language. June has expressed her concern and made a valid point. However, if you look closely, and you read my post on the righting reflex, then you should be able to spot the giant (righting-reflex) red flag. The problem is this: the phrase “you need to…” is basically a bullet that June just fired into her conversational foot. It is rooted in the righting reflex, ignores the ownness bias, and will likely trigger reactance and ambivalence from Johnny. In sum, all these pitfalls are symptoms of the conversational style known as directing. And the closer we look at June’s language, the more obvious it becomes that she is trying to “direct” Johnny’s behavior. However, this isn’t to say that such statements don’t have their time and place. For instance, if Johnny encounters turbulence on a flight and the pilot tells him to remain seated, it’s safe to say that Johnny should (and hopefully would) take such direction. But conversations about change are far less black and white. They are some of the most delicate conversations we can have with one another and require the utmost care.
Second convo:
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June and Johnny have the same conversation as before, yet this time around June does her best not to direct Johnny at all. In fact, she gives Johnny her complete attention and fully hears him out. Johnny says “June, I know smoking isn’t great, and I don’t want our daughters to pick up on my habit, but it honestly helps me cope with the stresses of life on the road.” To which June replies, “I hear you, Johnny.” In this instance, June is doing what is known as following. She is essentially letting Johnny take the wheel of the discussion and has resigned herself to the passenger seat. Like directing, following also has its time and place. For instance, if Johnny were sharing a death-bed confession or two, it would be perfectly alright for June to go along for the ride and hear him out. But when it comes to helping Johnny make a positive change, June is still no closer with her following style than she was with her directing style.
Third convo:
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This time around, June takes a different approach. She doesn’t try to direct Johnny’s behavior and she doesn’t follow along either. Instead, she splits the difference, and practices what is known as guiding. In doing so, June is not unlike a river guide (if we can briefly imagine June and Johnny going canoeing together). And like any good river guide, June does not tell Johnny how to paddle, where to paddle, and she certainly doesn’t let Johnny do all the paddling himself; rather, June helps Johnny paddle and navigate the many thrills and perils conjured by their conversational waters. June does this by being aware of the righting reflex, reactance, ambivalence, and the ownness bias. Furthermore, June uses her OARS which is an acronym for: open-ended questions, affirming statements, reflective listening, and summary.[2] How bizarre that they happen to be in a metaphorical canoe together.
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Let’s now consider a few examples of each of these skills and how they lend themselves to the guiding style.
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Like any good conversation about change, it’s natural for June (let’s think of her as the change-advocate) to want to ask Johnny (let’s think of him as the change-ambivalent) some questions. But how exactly should she do this? Let's see what happens if she tries this… “Johnny Dear, do you have to keep smoking?” Well, as honest and simple as this question may seem, it doesn’t leave Johnny with many options. It is what is known as a closed-question because it essentially leaves Johnny with only two choices – he can either answer “yes,” or “no.” And when it comes to the guiding style, we want to be sure that we are asking open-ended questions. Why? Well, open-ended questions provide far more options than a simple “yes,” or “no.” They also give the change-ambivalent an opportunity to contemplate their situation in their own words, and to do so without feeling like they are being led in a specific direction. Let’s compare a couple of similar questions that June might ask Johnny and examine the subtle differences…
1. Do you have a good relationship with smoking? vs. What can you tell me about your relationship with smoking?
2. Do you need help with quitting smoking? vs. How can I help you quit smoking?
In each one of these comparisons, the second, open-ended question is far more likely to elicit an actual response from Johnny.
Another tool that June has at her disposal are affirmations. Affirmations are statements that essentially recognize the change-ambivalent person’s efforts, strengths, and struggles.[3] They work by strengthening rapport and trust between the change-advocate and the change-ambivalent, and they also help to strengthen confidence in the change-ambivalent’s ability to change. Here are some examples of affirmations that June might be wise to say to Johnny while they are having a change-based conversation:
1. I appreciate that you were willing to talk with me today about your smoking habit.
2. You are a very talented person who has overcome a lot.
3. If I had to endure a childhood like yours, I don’t know if I could have managed nearly so well.
Similar to open-ended questions, affirmations help the change-ambivalent person to remain open and receptive during a difficult conversation about change. That said, affirmations are not to be confused with ass-kissing, which is a great way to immediately sabotage a change-based conversation. Affirmations must be completely 110% genuine and used sparingly.
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Next on our list of skills is reflective listening. But before we go any further, we must first understand the subtle differences between change talk (when the change-ambivalent person implies that they might be ready for change) and sustain talk (when the change-ambivalent person implies that they want to maintain their status quo).[4] For instance, when Johnny says something along the lines of “June, I know smoking isn’t great, and I don’t want our daughters to pick up on my bad habit, but it honestly helps me cope with the stresses of life on the road.” He has used both change-talk (“I know smoking isn’t great…”) and sustain-talk (“...but it honestly helps me cope…”) in the same sentence (as many people do). The key here is for June to help reflect the change talk back to Johnny.[5] In practice, June would respond with something like, “I hear you saying that “smoking isn’t great,” but what is it about smoking that makes you think so?” By doing this, June has successfully reflected the change-talk back to Johnny, and followed it with an open-ended question, which gives him an opportunity to explore the pros and cons of smoking for himself.
Last, but not least, we can assist our change-based conversations with summaries. Summaries are basically extended reflections that synthesize the key moments of a change-based conversation.[6] They help to consolidate change-talk, keep the conversation on-track, and demonstrate to the change-ambivalent person that we have been listening attentively and thoughtfully. Summaries also help the change-advocate to transition to new conversational terrain. For example, a summary from June might go something like, “So far, I have heard you say that “You know smoking isn’t great for your health,” “that it helps you relax on the road,” and that “you don’t want your daughters to pick up on your bad habit.” Have I missed anything? Also, what other concerns might you have regarding smoking?” This gives Johnny and June an opportunity to reflect on the status of their conversation thus far, and to keep building positive momentum together.
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When fully equipped with a guiding style of conversation, OARS, and an understanding of the perilous pitfalls of the righting-reflex, June can be sure that she is well on her way to fostering productive change-based conversations with her husband, The Man in Black.
While guiding is paramount to keeping change-based conversations moving forward, it won’t do us much good if we don’t know where “forward” stands in relation to where we are. How do we actually locate our conversation along the spectrum of change? Does it feel like we are miles away from helping the change-ambivalent or does it feel like we are gaining momentum and how exactly can we tell? This is what understanding the phases of change is all about. If guiding is our compass, then the phases of change are the map. To learn more about the phases of change, and how to help guide a person through them, please check out my post, Navigating the Stages of Change: June and Johnny Part II.
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[1] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 20.
[2] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 65.
[3] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 67.
[4] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 22.
[5] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 42.
[6] Miller, William R., and Stephen Rollnick. “Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition.” Helping People Change, 2012, pp. 68.